How do real relationships differ from fairy-tale ones

 Unfortunately, we are all under constant pressure from photos from Instagram, Facebook and YouTube programs. They sell us a fairy tale - after all, it reflects the cherished expectations of both men and women.

Real life is not filled with endless joy and bouquets.  Much more often there are misunderstandings and quarrels and this is normal.

 It would be strange that two completely different people, with unique upbringing, experience and character, would simply be a reflection in the mirror of each other.

Relationships require some kind of compromise. Of course, we are not talking about trampling your boundaries and violence. These compromises must be within the framework of the desire to be with your loved one. For example, you need a stroller for a child, but the one your wife wants won’t fit in the elevator, and the one your husband wants doesn’t look aesthetically pleasing at all. We need to reconcile desires with possibilities. This is a labor of love.

 Love marriages are a recent invention. For most of human history, relationships were entered into not out of love, but by agreement between parents. 

Mass culture says that love is exclusively a feeling. And life says that love is also about deeds.

Below are statements that are useful to understand for those who are stuck in the pink fog of their unrealistic expectations and cannot land in a real relationship, or for those who are tormented by expectations in existing imperfect ones. After all, as you know, the more expectations differ from reality, the more prerequisites for conflict.

 Let's start with the fact that you cannot please your partner all the time (sometimes his perception changes and may have nothing to do with you, but with his mood, sleep, etc. .p.), and you won’t always like yourself. You will not always want your partner and have sex with him (I also think this is understandable, there are certain cycles, both physiological and hormonal, I’m silent about age ones). In general, sex life can be difficult.

You may get annoyed (see above). Sometimes you will be bored together (it is impossible to jump up every time with the same stimulus - the nervous system adapts to the stimulus). Even at a distance, sometimes you will be completely comfortable on your own, and you will not miss each other (this is also normal, especially if you are adults, self-sufficient people).

You will sometimes feel like “your neighbor’s grass is greener,” periodically you will feel lonely and misunderstood, and thoughts of leaving will appear. These are just thoughts - a product of fear, fear must be overcome. You will sometimes have stronger feelings and sometimes less strong feelings for your partner, it's like a pendulum swinging.

Conflicts cannot be avoided. Reconciliation can be difficult and painful, love is also a struggle for relationships, not just pleasure. “If you can’t live without a woman, that doesn’t mean you can live with her” is a great phrase from the Internet that you can think about. You can hurt each other, sometimes without even wanting it, in the heat of conflict you can say words that you yourself will regret.

Unfortunately, everyone brings their past into relationships (childhood trauma, upbringing, experience of previous relationships). Inevitably you will project this pain onto your partner.

Marriage itself is not a solution to problems, it does not make you a more mature and developed person. You will still have to deal with your development and psychological problems, then the relationship in marriage will become stronger.

If you have children, you need to accept that your needs will not be met as usual, your schedule will change and not in your favor. Children are difficult, but wonderful, and they grow up. The childish mode of “I want” must be replaced by the adult “I must” - this is the inevitable price of growing up.

Sometimes in relationships we feel more fair, more right, less appreciated. Such thoughts are normal.

Learning to forgive, swallow your pride, and be the first to reconcile is a valuable relationship skill.

Forgiveness is something you will have to practice throughout your life, the sooner you learn to do it, the better. Resentment eats away relationships like acid.

As you mature in your relationship, your focus will shift from having fun to building a solid financial foundation under your feet. You don't have to give up romance, but rather learn to express it in new ways. You will accept your aging and the aging of your loved one (which is more difficult). Many have been through this, and so can you. Eternal youth exists only in Photoshop. By the time you grow old in love, you will grow into each other so much that wrinkles will not be able to separate you.  

Probably, after reading this article you had the thought: “why is there so much suffering and problems, if this is true?”  You'd think it would be easier alone.

This is true in a sense. Of course it’s simpler, just like boiled buckwheat is simpler for a complex dish like lasagna.

Mutual relationships are the best way to grow above yourself, it is a gift and a great responsibility.

 Unfortunately, many do not have time to wait for the fruits of this relationship. Everyone wants to walk through the park holding hands in old age, but not many are ready to work on relationships for this. High, unrealistic expectations and unwillingness to contribute are thrown out of them like a champagne cork from a bottle.

 As the Latin proverb says, “Forewarned is forearmed.” I hope that this article has dispelled false expectations that can be destructive and has given you hope that imperfect relationships can be happy and that this is normal. If you need the help of a psychologist to understand your relationship, click the button below to sign up for a consultation.

Take action and you will succeed!