Violence: Who is to blame?

The recently raised wave in connection with the statements of the popular presenter Regina Todorenko about the possible responsibility of the victim in a situation of violence has emotionally affected a huge number of women.

The discussion is divided into two camps - the victim of violence is not to blame, and the victim of violence may provoke it with his behavior.

Who is right?  In a sense, both sides are right. Of course, each situation is very individual. There is a big difference when a woman is raped by a stranger and when she herself walks down the aisle with someone who will subsequently beat her. Regardless of how responsibly the victim behaves, violence can occur, but the likelihood of this will definitely be lower.

There are origins to the victim position, which some women fall into. And of course they come from childhood.

A girl grows up in a family where a man shows violence (not necessarily physical, it may well be emotional). At the same time, in order to endure the horror of an atmosphere of violence, her patience is greatly improved (or in the words of the method of positive psychotherapy - politeness, that is, when aggression is directed inward). She gets used to pushing her boundaries and forgiving.

And what happens when it grows up? Since she easily allows her boundaries to be violated, it is precisely people who like to violate boundaries with impunity who are drawn to her. After all, it is she who can allow him to do to himself what others (who, again in terms of positive psychotherapy, have developed sincerity (that is, aggression directed outward). The conflict between sincerity and politeness is a key conflict, it is like a key or opens a door for the energy of aggression so that it is expressed externally, or closes it so that this energy is processed internally.

So it turns out that the victim herself attracts rapists to herself.

Again, I don't want to say that this is the only way this happens, but this scenario is not uncommon.

So can we say that in this case the victim is to blame?

Decide for yourself. On the one hand, her behavior is a product of that environment or the mindset that she has, of pumped-up politeness. On the other hand, it is possible to learn to understand and defend your boundaries (if you know that this is exactly what is happening, often a person does not understand where his boundaries are). If a child has experienced violence since childhood, then for her violence becomes a form of expression of love, no matter how crazy it may sound.

That is why people say “hitting means loving.”

How to identify your boundaries and were they violated in childhood? How to distinguish between love and violence? Often clients want to justify their parents: “they did it out of love.” If it’s difficult to figure it out, then seek help from a psychotherapist online by clicking the button below to sign up.

In any case, it is important to understand that any person is responsible not for his past, but for what he does with it now.  Childhood trauma and violence are not a death sentence; you can recognize boundaries and learn to defend them. The balance between sincerity and politeness can be adjusted. Communicate sincerely, but politely, or politely, but sincerely.

Take action and you will succeed!