The wife turns the child against the father. What

to do?

During a divorce, it seems that only wives suffer from the fact that the father takes the child and does not allow him to see him.

In fact, it also happens that a woman uses a child as an object for manipulation.

Women often perceive a child as their property, an asset that they can use to hurt their ex-husband.

It looks especially scary in the first days after a divorce. When passions have not yet subsided and the pain of a breakup is very strong.

At this moment, a woman, in a fit of emotion, looks for any way to hurt a man, and then the feelings of the children come into play.

The brain turns off, and she thinks not about the child’s feelings, about the fact that he is already experiencing trauma.

What can a man do in a situation where his wife turns his children against him?

Here are some thoughts on this matter.

1. If she claims that you will never see children again, then this is certainly not true. By law, you as a father have every right to see your children. This means you need to contact a family law lawyer to defend your legal right. This will help you understand where the children will live, with whom, and how often you can see them. The best situation is when a woman understands that children need male energy, male presence, that this is critically important for their healthy mental formation. In this case, she will not prohibit seeing the children, but vice versa. But in the absence of your meetings with them, it can still say that dad is bad and it’s very good that he doesn’t live with us. Unfortunately, you cannot influence this.

2. It is possible, as an option, if a woman refuses and sees how painful it is for you not to see your children, she presses on where it hurts the most and declares that you will not see the children anyway and prevents you from receiving your legal right to communicate with your beloved children - just disappear for a couple of months until she calms down. Perhaps, when she survives the burden of raising her alone and the lack of additional support (beyond basic alimony) and begins to complain to you about her hard life, then this may become the basis for negotiations and her softening her position. You canThat is to say that you never wanted to deprive her of additional help and support in raising children, but it was her choice, and you are ready to help her again, provided that she gives you the opportunity to see your children as normal. Of course, such a strategy has the risk that your wife will not calm down, and will use your absence to explain to the children why dad is bad. As long as she knows that you have a pain point with which she can twist you and do what she needs, she will always use it. Therefore, if it is possible to deprive her of this opportunity, it would be nice. Sometimes this means not seeing children until they are ready to draw their own conclusions. Can you do this?

3. In any case, do not blame their mother or make mirror criticism of your ex-wife. This is a losing strategy. The position should be “You have the best mother, but it so happens that we don’t live together. Sometimes people are friends and sometimes they break up.” Children should not end up in a situation where both parents engage in antisocial blackmail and tear them apart. If your ex-wife does this, then you shouldn’t get involved in this game yourself. Be mindful of your child's feelings. This behavior causes trauma to children.

4. Restore stable contact. Think about what the child has lost and try to compensate for it. What youWhat is important for a child is a feeling of stability. Therefore, try with all your might to have some kind of connection with him. If possible, buy a phone on which he can call and talk to you at any time of the day or night. Set some time when he can be available and do not miss communication sessions with him. If you can go to kindergarten or school to see your child, do it. They cannot prohibit seeing the legal father if he is not deprived of parental rights. Tell your wife that you want to see the child and will do this, despite her protests. If you can see your child more than once a week, meet more often.

5. Explain to your child the difference between the relationship between a husband and wife and the relationship with children. That adults can live apart. But they can never stop loving children. Under any circumstances. The child has a strong feeling of guilt that he did something wrong, that his parents separated, or that he could have done something and did not. Make it clear that he could not influence this relationship in any way and nothing could be done, and he is not involved in this at all and cannot influence it in any way.

6. The child has an irrational fear that if his dad left him, then his mother might leave too. Explain that he will not be abandoned and that he is loved just as much. That the format of communication has changed, but love has not become less.

7. The child struggles with conflicting feelings - love for his father and hatred for the fact that he no longer lives with him. Some children express these complex feelings openly - then the divorce is easier to cope with. Any expression of feelings to mother, grandmother, or other relatives allows the child to process them and develop a healthier relationship with his father. Not all children can express feelings. Therefore, sometimes it seems that the child is not worried at all and went through the divorce normally. It's not like that at all. It’s as if these negative experiences are wandering inside the child and if he does not express them, they will destroy him. It's better that he speaks out.

8.Due to the fact that the child is left, his self-esteem may decrease. You get the feeling that he is not worthy of love. That he is an abandoned person. Under no circumstances should this be allowed. You need to let your child know that he is loved unconditionally and has not been abandoned. Therefore, it is extremely important to have regular contact and maintain the understanding that he is loved and has not been abandoned, the format of communication has simply changed. Otherwise, as an adult, he may have problems with attachment to other people and unhealthy relationships with them.

9. Especially with teenage children, you need to understand that they are in a difficult time of separation from their parents. No amount of placating with gifts, some trips, time together and goodies will interrupt the mother’s desire to denigrate the father. For a child who has no life experience and perceives everything in black and white as a “maximalist,” even one mistake from his father will be enough for him to be bad. The strong desire for justice that is inherent in teenagers is sometimes overwhelming and unfair. There is no use fighting him. You need to be patient and treat your child calmly and kindly, regardless of what he says, and not get involved in the company of whitewashing yourself.

10. Whether it is necessary to explain the reasons for the divorce or not is up to you. This is a complex question and there is no clear answer to it. It is important that you tell your child the truth about life, if possible, be for him a stable loving figure who does not manipulate him, does not deceive him and behaves correctly. Without fawning or humiliating yourself.

Of course, this is an incomplete list of everything that can be said about the relationship with a child after a divorce. Think about the fact that there is no one person to blame for the fact that you broke up with your ex-wife. Regardless of what you think, both are always to blame.

Be patient and do not drag your child into your war. Take care of his feelings.

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