How to love yourself - once and for all: advice from a psychologist

A small child evaluates himself through the assessment that comes from his parents. The child does not have his own self-esteem.  For parents, all girls are princesses, sons are geniuses, and then for some reason some children grow up to be losers. If parents don’t love themselves, then they can’t raise them correctly. There is, of course, an exception - he is stupid, then it is clear why he grows up stupid, incompetent with low self-esteem.
This is how learned helplessness is formed. This term comes from a psychological experiment. An experimental dog was shocked when it tried to escape from its cage. Then the cage was removed, but the dog no longer ran away.
If a child is told that nothing will come of him, he does not strive to go anywhere, he goes with the flow.
Therefore, it is important to separate the child and his behavior. Don’t say “You’re bad”, but say “you did something bad.” Not to prohibit, but to offer healthy alternatives to “yes, but otherwise.” Understanding whether you love yourself or not is quite simple.
If you don’t like yourself, don’t like what you do, or the partner you’re dating or living with, you don’t love yourself.  Self-love must be unconditional. Just because you are you.  Don't compare your butt, breasts, car or wallet with others.  Those who love themselves are not afraid of what others will think about it.  But it’s not easy.
The phrase “you just need to love yourself” is no less annoying than similar ones: “there is no money, but you hang on,” “don’t be upset,” “take care of yourself.”
How to implement these good things wishes in practice are unclear. After all, such phrases without specific application look like nothing more than a mockery of a person.

This is exactly what my article will be devoted to - about how you can implement self-love in real life.

Solve the main problem

Usually the clients who come to me have a lot of problems. They begin to list them and cannot understand what to work with first: problems with parents, problems with their husband, problems at work, the child does not listen, stress, insomnia, obsessive thoughts, anxiety.
But the root of all these problems can being alone means low self-esteem and lack of self-love. It is precisely because a person neglects his interests and does not protect boundaries that he has problems in relationships with others and, against this background, high stress and insomnia. Of course, everything is very individual, for the problems listed above there can be any number of different reasons, but the situation is quite typical.
Everything comes from good intentions - a person tries with all his might to be the best for everyone, trouble-free. He sincerely does not understand what is wrong with this behavior. After all, this is exactly what my parents taught me to do since childhood. In general, the parents also wanted what was best, but they didn’t tell who was better. It turned out that it was better for everyone except the one who eventually came to psychotherapy.

Your borders are my borders

For insecure people who are accustomed to being in the role of a victim, self-love is something vicious. To love yourself is to be an egoist, not to think about others from their point of view.
But here there is confusion in concepts.
Self-love is one thing, selfishness is another thing entirely. But narcissists or psychopaths are a completely different story.
If you deep down believe that there is nothing to love you for, then the need for recognition forces you to constantly assert your importance as an attempt to avoid fear and rejection by others.
Moms They want their children to grow up comfortable for them, to behave as they need, despite their own desires. The same thing happens at school.
If we do not comply with the demands of adults, they shame us. You didn’t do your homework, you stayed outside, you played games with the boys, you didn’t sit with your younger brother - this is all a crime in the opinion of adults. Therefore, an attitude is developed that wanting something for oneself is bad.
A child is praised only if he selflessly tries, endures, and steps on the throat of his own song. Thus, the child understands that he is loved under certain conditions, if he is obedient and pleases everyone.
Since love is a critically important thing in a child’s life, he does everything to get it.

Steps of self-love

Here are a few practical steps that will help you break this mindset from childhood and love yourself.

1. Remember what you want

Those who live suffering from love and seeking it forget that their own needs are ignored. However, they will still come out with neuroses and irritation.
It is important to be guided by your desires when making decisions.  But this is exactly what is difficult for people whose desires have been ignored and suppressed since childhood.
You need to learn to make the simplest decisions out of self-love. Tea or coffee? What to wear? These decisions are not as difficult to make as they seem, but you need to learn to hear your desires. Having learned from everyday small issues to love yourself in big decisions, this will be easier for you.
At first it will be difficult for you, you may feel internal resistance. This happens because you felt comfortable living when decisions were made for you.
Avoiding responsibility for your life is convenient. You did something because your husband or wife wanted it, or because your parents wanted it so. Now you need to become an executor of your own will, and not someone else’s.
When the fear of taking responsibility for your life goes away, your loved ones will also begin to take responsibility for their lives. When clients disconnect from the overprotection of children, they sometimes begin to do homework and clean up themselves. Husbands begin to help with housework. Parents impose their opinions less.  People with low self-esteem are afraid that friends and family will reject them if they behave selfishly. But this fear shows dependence on other people’s opinions and the habit of earning love through one’s actions.  You won't be able to please everyone - it's a dead end.
Of course, those who are used to using you will not be happy with your changes. On the other hand, if they rebel and make claims, ask yourself the question: “Do I need this?” Do I want to look after cats, water other people’s flowers, give free rides, constantly lend money, listen to endless complaints about life?
When you fall in love with yourself, the main question will be “does this relationship make me happy?” And there will be no people in your life who use or manipulate you.

2. Stop asking for opinions about yourself

To raise your self-esteem, stop being interested in the opinions of both close and not so close people about yourself.
Evaluate yourself and your actions. Yes, it’s not easy, but there is no other way to love yourself and increase your self-esteem.  Therefore, the question to yourself is not “What’s wrong with me?” and “what did I do wrong?” That is, to separate yourself and your actions.

3. Love your loneliness

If you live in an unrequited relationship, and you suffer in it, then you are neurotic and it’s not about love, but about psychological dependence.  Such dependence on relationships, even unrequited ones, occurs when the child has a lack of parental love, and the child cannot live without love and is ready to give everything for it.
A healthy solution is loneliness. But in loneliness you need to love yourself in order to bear it. For this there should not be free time, but in activities that you like. Healthy, self-sufficient people enter into relationships with others like them. Become one of them.  If they don't like you, leave. Real loneliness is when you don’t love yourself, and not when there are no others around you.
If a child knows how to occupy himself with crafts or books from childhood, this is a healthier situation than a child who constantly requires parental attention.
If a man or woman cheated on you, you have a choice - to calmly step over this offense, forgive and forget, or stay on your own and look for a new partner.  There is definitely no need to suffer in a relationship.
These three principles are enough to start working on yourself.
As a psychotherapist online or in person in Kyiv, I can offer other techniques and methods of working on yourself if you find it difficult to love yourself , get rid of fears and love yourself once and for all. To schedule a consultation, click the button below.

Take action and you will succeed!