A baby's basic need is survival, and survival requires a sense of security. The need for security is basic and almost never fully satisfied.

A mother cannot be with the baby 24/7 - what he needs (not to mention how he can cry for hours in the hospital waiting for someone to come to him) something will do) because of this the baby suffers, experiences the shock of the breakup and danger to his life, and seems to freeze. Such freezing - immobilization triggers the strongest defenses of consciousness.

Perhaps everything is not so bad and the child is in the hands of caring parents, then it seems to him that he commands them. Then, at the age of three, he is looking for ways to attract love through obedience, but this is unattainable because his parents cannot 100% satisfy his thirst for love. This is perceived as a betrayal and then the child stops fighting for his needs, learned helplessness is formed, he learns to manipulate others in order to satisfy his basic needs for intimacy and security.

As we grow up, we forget about the existence of this inner child, choosing different goals for ourselves in an unconscious attempt to provide all the same basic needs. (help people and change the world for the better - to make it safe, earn money - to ensure all the same security, find a parental figure (God, religion, idea, ideology, etc.) with the same goal. To be obedient or not, everyone with the same goal of attracting the attention of significant others. We no longer do much spontaneously, enjoying the game, but with the same goal of filling the need for security and intimacy.

Others are doing the same thing, ultimately turning life into a struggle for resources that seem to bring this notorious security.

What to do? How to help your inner child?

The first thing to do is to admit the problem and allow yourself to experience the whole gamut of feelings that the inner child experiences - pain, panic, fear, instead of trying to manipulate and pursue false ideas (relationships, money). Gradually, you will learn to identify when your inner child is experiencing attacks of fear or panic and you are regressing into a childish state, making decisions at the level of his age, stepping on the same “rake.”

Of course, it’s not easy not to lose yourself in these strong momentsчfeelings, this skill is acquired gradually as you learn to talk to him about his needs and feelings, giving him permission to experience these strong emotions, to what he can say “no” to what he can not make excuses for, what others don’t like, change opinion, being happy and sad for no reason, pampering yourself, making mistakes, giving and receiving, being weak, sincere, vulnerable. You can live by playing.

Psychotherapy will often help with this, where the psychotherapist helps the client form an adult part that will support the inner child, which he can rely on, and will give unconditional acceptance, which the inner child so badly needs. Often he puts a real test to the psychotherapist before trusting another - whether this other can withstand and accept him with all his whims. In ordinary life, people do not pass such a test - because their own inner children are traumatized. In general, the strategy in inner child therapy comes down to cultivating the inner mature part.

Is it possible to understand what state your inner child is in now?

Here are some questions you can answer:

1. Do you lack patience (want everything at once)?

2. Are you embarrassed to ask for your needs, expressing them through hints or manipulation?

3. Can't take no for an answer?

4. Can't say no to others?

5. Do you have a fear of mistakes (so as not to attract attention to yourself), a fear of punishment, or a fear of losing love?

6. Do you have obsessive behavior, the desire to be perfect in everything?

7. Do you blame others and cannot forgive and accept them?

8. Do you require others to take responsibility for you?

9. Do you ignore the feelings and desires of others?

10. Do you idealize other people, ignoring reality, living in illusions and fantasies?

11. Do you manipulate others through anger, resentment, guilt, envy, revenge?

12. Do you tend to generalize and talk in terms of “always” and “never”?

13. Do you have a strong need for praise and pity?

14. Do you want to please everyone, do you depend on what other people say about you?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then your inner child really needs to develop an adult part that would support it.

Thus, the healing of the inner child needs the love of its own inner parent with the support of its own inner adult.

If you need this kind of therapy and support, I invite you. Online psychotherapy saves you time and money without sacrificing effectiveness. I also accept in person in Kyiv. You can sign up by clicking the button below.

Take action and you will succeed!