How to forgive your husband: advice from a psychologist

Psychologists do not give advice. But you can still think together about what can be done if a man has not remained faithful.

Any unpleasant event in the life of a couple at the moment when it occurs seems terrible. Intimacy makes us vulnerable to psychological pain. The actions of external people are not experienced as acutely as what happens in a close, intimate relationship with the person you completely trust.
Betrayal is especially painful for a woman’s psyche. The pain of betrayal is comparable to the death of a loved one. Even death is forgotten over time, the experiences become less acute, unlike betrayal, when a living reminder of it is in the same living space.

If a woman decides to save her marriage after cheating, you need to be prepared for the fact that it will be very difficult. The feeling of betrayal and lack of trust, accompanied by the pain of realizing that the relationship will no longer be the same, is a great test. In order to recover you will have to go through many painful stages. Not everyone is ready for this.
The woman’s reaction itself depends on how strong the jealousy is. After all, controlling your husband is pointless. It is unlikely that it will be possible to save the relationship in this way. Suspicions and nagging will ultimately only push him to repeat the betrayal. If it is difficult to endure humiliation, then you will have to fight your own desire to reproach, remind, humiliate or prick the offending spouse. This will also not help keep your husband.

Passive aggression, ignoring and playing the victim are also not the answer. One way or another, the husband will feel blamed for all the problems of the family.
What is the way out of this situation? Is it even possible to live with my husband after his adventures? Yes, this is real.
It also happens that a falling apart marriage after betrayal is restored and finds a new life.
A woman lives with family relationships and children. Keeping her family together is critically important to her. Therefore, women are usually more compliant and make allowances for the male desire for polygamy.

Is it worth saving a relationship after cheating?

If trips to the “left” are repeated after vows of allegiance and assurances that this will not happen again, you need to understand that the man does not plan to change and should not deceive himself.
On the other hand, if the man acted thoughtlessly, he was seduced, decided to take revenge on you in this way or was drunk - you can give it a chance.
You need to understand that there can be many reasons for going “to the left” and you need to decide whether these reasons are worthy of leniency.

The main question was, was this a one-time thing or is it a repeated behavior?
If an affair on the side lasted for years, should it be forgiven?
A man who admits to an affair may not be guided by a desire to live honestly, but he just wants to shift the burden of guilt onto his woman, he doesn’t want to live with remorse. It’s as if he says “decide for yourself”, I will put up with any of your decisions, he avoids responsibility.

Another strategy is when he supposedly protects his significant other from painful information. She guesses what is happening, but also does nothing.
After all, admitting the fact of betrayal will definitely destroy the relationship, but you can live in relative comfort, pretending that nothing is happening, “hiding your head in the sand.” This happens especially often when people have been living together for a long time and there are children and property that will have to be divided after a divorce, and the husband provides for the family well.
Such relationships can be preserved, but only through the search for compromises and conversations, and not silent ignoring the problem.
In any case, the injured party must decide whether she is ready to continue living with the one who cheated.

Steps to forgiving betrayal

As you understand, it is not easy to forgive. Unfortunately, there is no button that you can press to switch feelings and thoughts. Time will help, but you can do something that will bring the moment of forgiveness closer.

1. First, take a time out and be by yourself. First of all, you need this so that your emotions cool down. After all, acute feelings of shock, anger and the desire to run away can make you say words and do stupid things that obviously will not help restore the relationship and which you will regret. These feelings are bad advisors. You should not make decisions based on emotions.

2.  Don't get caught up in wanting to not think about itIt actually works the other way around. The more you try to fight bad thoughts, the more persistently they will creep into your head. Reflect on your life together, what was good and bad about it. Don't rush to judge the relationship.

3. If you are ready for a conversation, first make sure that the man is determined to be faithful. During the conversation, you can discuss the pros and cons that you have already thought about and life prospects, think about common goals (not including children). You can find out whether he is ready to withstand if reproaches break out during future conflicts. This will help you come to a common decision on what to do next.

4. It’s a good idea to seek help from a psychologist. If you are not ready to open up to a stranger, then perhaps you have someone close to you who can act as a mediator in reconciliation. A look from the outside will help you see what you did not notice and your own contribution to treason.

5. If you work on reconciliation, you will be able to find reasonsfor the problem that has arisen. It's the most important. It’s great if the man you love opens it to you. Having found the reason, you will understand what can be changed so that it does not happen again. As I said above, it may be that you are partly to blame for the fact that the man did not receive something in the relationship. Be honest with yourself.

6. Put yourself in your husband's placeUnderstand that it is also not easy for him to go through this meat grinder out of guilt and shame. Therefore, try not to humiliate or insult him. This will not help restore the relationship. Both of you are responsible for what happened, even if not directly. If you understand this, it will be easier to forgive.

7. Don't remember past grievances. Focus on what is happening now. What can you do to get closer again and restore relationships.

How to get closer after cheating

If, as a result of much thought and discussion, you have finally decided to maintain the relationship, then you need to consider options for getting closer.

• We need to go back to the beginning of the relationship, understand what exactly inspired the desire to be together and love each other again.
• you can arrange another honeymoon or go on a trip together (it’s good if it’s without children)
• if you can’t leave, perhaps some hobby will bring you closer and spend more time together
• Try to come up with new traditions and habits in the family circle. You critically need to form a new pattern of behavior that will generate harmonious positive relationships.
• Promise yourself not to give up. The first time, most likely, you will not be able to make amends for the unpleasant feelings of bitterness and resentment. They will pop up, it will seem that it is not real. In this case, it is important to keep the focus on the goal - preserving the family, and not clarifying old grievances.
  If you have done all this and still do not succeed, contact a psychologist. He will give you exercises that will help you learn to communicate in a new way, understand each other better and restore the previous level of intimacy and trust. You will get rid of the toxic feelings that are destroying you and will be able to find inspiration in your relationships.

How to restore trust after betrayal

If there is no trust, there is no rapprochement, and without rapprochement there is no forgiveness. After the betrayal, the wife is overcome with suspicion. Who sent him the SMS? Is he really at work? Why is he wearing a new shirt?
To extinguish these bad thoughts, it is useful to agree that the man reports first, informs where he is, why he is delayed. If he has nothing to hide, he will easily give you access from his social networks and phone.
But you don’t need to turn your husband’s life into endless interrogations, this can have the opposite effect.
Over time, the resentment will be forgotten, trust will be restored, intimacy will appear. and the offense will be forgiven.

Changes and needs

Cheating does not always mean that you are no longer loved. This means that you are no longer enough, which calls into question how important you are as a person in the life of another.
Another issue is doubting whether the person you married is the same person if he deceived you? If marriage is a lie, then who am I in this marriage? Was this a mistake or is this the essence of man? What do I want from a relationship?
Cheating has always existed. A man's desire for adventure, to escape from everyday routine, to experience some new exciting experiences is one of the reasons.
Often, infidelity is affected by dissatisfaction in marriage: sexual, emotional or some other way. A psychologist will help you understand this.
A specialist’s neutral position will help the relationship revive. This is not a quick process and will require significant effort from both partners.
But it may happen that your marriage will become even stronger than it was before the betrayal, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.
I am ready to help you as a psychologist online or In person in Kyiv, decide what to do after the betrayal and try to restore the relationship. To schedule a consultation, click on the button below.
Take action and you will succeed!