What NOT to do in communication: 9 common mistakes

Communication with others is something we encounter every day. But unfortunately, at school and in college they don’t teach how to communicate correctly, but our social success—success at work and in relationships—depends on it.

Communication skills fall under the umbrella of emotional intelligence. Let's improve these skills together and look at typical communication mistakes that destroy relationships with others.

What NOT to do in communication: 9 common communication mistakes

1. DO NOT emphasize differences

For example, saying phrases like: “Do you like horror movies? How can you watch this?”, “So you’re a vegan? I can’t stand vegetables,” “the gym? It’s boring for me, it’s better to read a book,” etc.

By saying this, you are entering into a confrontation with your interlocutor - and this is repulsive.

It’s better to say this: “Tell me why you decided to do this? Why do you like such films? How does sport help you?

This way you will show interest in what is important to a person, his life and experience.

2. DO NOT be harsh in your judgment

“I know exactly what’s going on here”, “do as I tell you” - such phrases can drive anyone crazy.

This approach forces other people to bow to your pressure. It is much better to use a dialogue format, and share your position as one, and not the only solution.

It is better to say this: “It seems to me...” or “Based on my experience, I think...”. It is important not to ignore the opinion of another, but to understand that he has every right to his opinion.

3. DO NOT send mixed signals

What happens if the traffic light turns green and red at the same time? This will most likely lead to an emergency at the intersection. The same thing happens when we say one thing and non-verbally demonstrate another.

We try to have fun when we are actually sad, we say “yes” when it is clear from the voice that “no”.

We speak with emphatic politeness, although anger is written on our face.

It is better not to suppress emotions, but to note where your emotions do not agree with what you are saying. When you catch yourself doing this, you can change your behavior or at least tell your interlocutor “You see, I’m upset because of problems at work, but nevertheless I’m glad to see you.”

4. DO NOT ignore other people's emotions

When in a conversation we see a mismatch between the emotions and words of the interlocutor, we often ignore these emotions and try to respond only to the text. At the same time, our “ignoring” of emotions irritates and angers a person - he really wants you to notice what he is going through now.

Better try to feel his emotions, imagine that you are in his place, turn on empathy. Tell him what you think: “...you are angry, offended, etc.” and then ask “am I understanding correctly?” It is important not to assert, but to formulate the question, because you can be wrong with your assumptions and this will also help the person himself to realize his experiences and formulate them better.

5. DON'T be ungrateful

Don’t be lazy to say thank you for everything. Although it seems that our gratitude is already clear, it is not so. It is very important for others to hear your feedback; they often feel deprived of praise and appreciation - and, consequently, love. We take a lot for granted, but in reality, everything we receive from others is a gift for which we must say “thank you.”

Our “thank you” and expressions of love may not always be heard. Sometimes we want to say “thank you,” but your handshake or a card is much more valuable to a person. Therefore, your gratitude in the form of the word “thank you” may be perceived as a formality.

This is well written in the excellent bestseller “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. There are 5 languages of gratitude

1. Words (SMS, correspondence, conversation)

2. Tokens of attention (gifts, candies, flowers, cards, etc.)

3. Touch (shaking hands, hugging, or any touch that shows your appreciation)

4. Things to do (do something useful in return, take out the trash, help with work, etc.)

5. Take time (for some, time spent together is very important - you can thank in this way)

It is better to notice what the person himself usually does when he wants to express emotions? Most likely, this is his love language - gratitude. And if it’s difficult for you to notice, then you can ask about it directly: “What should I do to make you feel my gratitude?”

6. DO NOT ignore the importance of touch

Despite the fact that all people are sociable and love touch, you need to skillfully use this communication tool. Touching is a very intimate way of showing emotions and not everyone is ready to accept it from strangers. This instrument conveys a whole range of feelings. But if you touch someone in whom it gives rise to negativity - the person withdraws his hand or turns away - then you should not do this. Other, more contactable people may, on the contrary, want touch and perceive its absence as rejection and detachment.

It’s better not to force touch, but to carefully observe the other person’s reaction to your micro steps in this direction. Watch his reaction and adjust so that the person feels comfortable.

7. DO NOT impose your opinion

Wanting the best for others, sometimes we impose our decisions that seem to be the best. We turn on a “rescuer” who is overly protective and controlling. And when our good advice is rejected, we are offended. You shouldn’t “save” others if they don’t ask you to.

Better hold on to your lifesaver.

8. DO NOT hide your feelings.

Embarrassment forces us to hush up our experiences and prevents us from asking for help when it is needed. We want our loved ones to “guess” themselves, notice and help. When this doesn't happen, we get angry and offended. Such communication, built on unjustified expectations, gives rise to passive aggression.

Better to be open. If something is bothering you, tell me, if you need help, ask. Your loved ones should not be at a loss about your condition. When you are sincere, communication is much easier.

9. DO NOT forget to ask “what is important to me in this relationship?”

The routine of life tends to “blur” our focus. Over minor grievances, omissions, irritation and fatigue, we forget about what is important and begin to find fault with little things or become insensitive.

Better ask yourself the question “what is important to me in a relationship with this person?” This focuses you on the main thing, what unites you - common values, interests. Then it will be easier for you to be sensitive and not pay attention to minor troubles.

If you want to work on your communication skills, you can seek professional help from a psychotherapist online or in person. To register, click the button below.

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