Toxic shame. How to get rid of shame.

Shame is one of the most terrible feelings. In many languages there is an idiom “to fail (burn) out of shame” - a person is so embarrassed for himself that he wants to burn, destroy himself and disappear. Fear of shame or shame of shame can drive a person into a state of panic at the time of interaction with other people.

Let's look at what shame is and how it manifests itself.

Shame and guilt seem to be similar feelings, but they manifest themselves in different ways.  If, when feeling guilty, a person hangs his head down, then when he feels shame, a person wants to shrink and become smaller. Shame is a regulator of intimacy with others and arousal. People blush from shame, which is a manifestation of suppressed excitement.

In social relationships, there are special mechanisms for dealing with guilt - paying a fine, making amends, obeying (that is, admitting guilt), but what to do with shame is not clear. Shame or shame can only be washed away with blood (so as not to face dishonor) - this is exactly what they do in Eastern cultures, or in communities where shame cannot be tolerated (among the military ). In other words, there is no healthy way to get rid of shame, only death.

A healthy way to overcome shame.

First, let's look at the definition of this feeling.

Shame is a feeling that arises when we have lost connection with other people and support.

We want to receive support for our arousal, but the support is interrupted. As a child, this looked like an attempt to get support from my parents: “Mom, look what I made! And receiving zero or negative reaction from mom.” This is how shame arises - as a loss of contact, connection because of who I am or how I think about myself.

It must be said that in early childhood children have no social shame, they play with their genitals, smear poop and are not at all worried about it. And only when parents say “shame on you” do they impose their own shame on the child, and the child absorbs this parental shame into himself. People who are ashamed, in order not to feel shame, begin to shame others, this is important to understand. There is a fear that if I show up without a mask, as I am, they will deprive me of my connection with them, of contact. Solitary confinement is perhaps a terrible punishment because it deprives you of connection with others.

The therapeutic strategy for working with a client consists of several steps.

1 .The first step is  It is necessary to realize your shameand not run away from this feeling.  Meet him and get used to yourself and your sense of shame.  It’s good to put yourself in situations that cause shame in order to experience it. Perhaps first in the imagination, and then gradually present yourself to people in real life. Shame is toxic only when we isolate ourselves from connection -  We judge ourselves. We can’t share, it seems to him that other people are looking at him.  As soon as a person understands that he is the same as others, shame decreases.

In fact, people’s increased attention to us and their rejection are greatly exaggerated.

Often people simply don’t care about us. Shame researchers conducted the following experiment on this topic.  The subject was put on a T-shirt with a shameful inscription and taken into a room in which there were a lot of people. But before they took him there they asked: “How many people do you think will pay attention to your T-shirt?” The subject answered approximately 70%. In fact, during the experiment, it turned out that only 14% of people in the room paid attention to the subject's T-shirt.

Condemnation from other people is greatly exaggerated. Adults are very vulnerable and, as a rule, are sympathetic to the failures of other people, because they understand the value of self-esteem. Those who shame, as a rule, cannot withstand their shame themselves and impose it on others.

2 The second step is to find out who has imposed beliefs about oneselfthat generate shame: “I’m poor,” “I dress poorly,” “I’m not good enough.”

3. The third step is to challenge these beliefs. What do you agree with them about and what do you not agree with? This way, polish your positions on shameful and not shameful things.

It is also helpful to come up with a humorous metaphor for shame. Treats himself and his shame with humor. Accept your imperfections. Accept yourself as you are. Without the social masks that we present to the world in order to be accepted.

Psychotherapy is a great opportunity to show yourself without a mask, to a person who completely unconditionally accepts. The psychotherapist himself, revealing his vulnerability and shame, says that the feeling of shame is normal and you can stay in touch with yourself and others. It is important to learn to experience shame in the presence of a therapist and gain a different experience in this way. An experience of acceptance and connection. I am with you and I will stay with you, I also feel shame. Open up and give access to your shame.  “An open window cannot be broken.” Normally, when a person is observed, embarrassment arises; for some, shame arises. But there is not even the thought that you can be watched with love and not condemnation.  The vulnerability that appears in intimacy shows the fragility of a person as he is.

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