Balance of politeness and sincerity

«Yes, of course,” “I’ll do it,” “of course, I’ll help” - have you ever said such phrases in your life? And how often have you thought, “Damn, how did he (she) got me?”, a desire appeared to do something very bad to a person who was only guilty of once again, with your consent, “burdening you.”  And once again, the unpleasant proverb “he who is lucky, gets loaded” has come true in your life. 

The energy of internal conflict that is released at this moment completely exhausts you. There is so much of it that you could do a lot of useful things for yourself and your loved ones, but, alas, it is wasted on unnecessary tension inside, taking away your last strength. You are angry, you are angry with your boss, colleague, relative or acquaintance who “harnessed” you, you think that you had every right to refuse, and why you didn’t do it. For the next “hundred hundredth” time you promise to send  him (her) away next time, but....

Nothing changes...  And at the next request, when “no” seems ready to leave your lips, for some reason the ill-fated “yes, of course,” “I’ll do it,” “of course, I’ll help” comes out once again. Once again, your rights and boundaries are violated, and you are again tormented in your soul, you are torn apart by the injustice of what is happening,  and you cannot  cope with this tension, which is growing more and more inside.
Often this tension leads to headaches, stomach pain, various skin problems, and in advanced cases, cancer.

Energy that should be expressed in a healthy way instead “walks” in your body and often finds expression in the most unpleasant manifestations, which are called psychosomatics.  That is, a manifestation of the torment of the soul - “psyche”  in “body” - “soma”.

Can such a wonderful human quality as politeness be the cause of conflict?

What, essentially, is a conflict?  This is a discrepancy between the actual and expected situation. The greater this discrepancy, the greater the “potential” or energy that is generated by this discrepancy.

Often, in addition to the discrepancy between expectations in the current situation at home or at work, there is also a discrepancy with the expectations that parents imposed in childhood. These are the so-called “scenarios” = the expectations of the parents, which are lodged deep in the child’s psyche.

In a situation with politeness, this is usually a “obey” scenario. That is, if you are obedient, then you will receive love and acceptance.

If this scenario of conditional love has taken root in a child’s life since childhood, it is difficult for him to refuse people even as an adult. Since disobedience or refusal for him threatens with denial of a person’s love, which he cannot afford.

ПTherefore, an adult goes to the extent of trampling on his boundaries, his interests, in order to “please”, to be “loved”, accepted, which is critically important for him.

How to reduce the energy of conflict, learn how to refuse correctly, become more sincere and protect your interests?

There is no single recipe for this; it is better to turn to a specialist - a psychotherapist, who will help you understand childhood scenarios, understand them, and, therefore, gain greater control over reactions to these scenarios when they are “triggered.” Since the scenarios have evolved over the years, there are no quick solutions. You will have to go through a certain path together with the therapist. After all, it is the atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance of a psychotherapeutic relationship that is the healing environment for an adult - a child who needs them. Such an atmosphere helps strengthen the personality to change scripted behavior.

That being said, there are still some awareness and behavioral techniques that will help you start practicing sincerity now.

Politeness is not bad. It’s great if you are a sincere, caring person who is not indifferent to the pains and worries of your friends and loved ones.

It’s bad when this indifference makes you give up taking care of yourself and ignore your immediate needs.

First of all, it is necessary to accept the fact that a healthy amount of “selfishness” is a normal defensive reaction. If you gave all your food and money to others, then most likely you would have already died of hunger. This is a reaction of self-preservation and survival in society. 

Start focusing on your interests. This is not easy and will most likely require discipline.

To do this, it is useful to take a pause - not to give an answer right away. Try to agree that  you will answer “tomorrow” or in “an hour.” During this time, you will be able to internally recite the text of the refusal that you will say. Think again about your own interests, which will give you the strength you need. If such forces were still not found even after a day, figure out what you can ask in return so that an “exchange” can take place - and not just “robbery.”  Even a small exchange is always better than just being used. This is your small step towards sincerity with yourself and others.

If you learn to at least slightly shift the emphasis in such a conversation in your direction, to bargain for some even small compensation for yourself, then the energy of the conflict will no longer be so strong and each time it will be easier for you to defend your interests.

If the word “no” is categorically refused to be uttered. Try saying yes. And in this format: “yes, but not now”, “yes, but not like that”, “yes, but in a different volume”, “yes, but first you...”. Here you can show your creativity to the maximum.

This is of course easier said than done, at first glance. It's difficult to walk this path without support. Therefore, it is better to seek help from a specialist who will support you and help you move forward.

There is, of course, the opposite situation - when sincerity “goes off scale” - that is, the energy of an honest answer “collapses” on the interlocutor. Such directness, as a rule, hurts and also traumatizes people.

You've probably met people who don't really choose their expression for refusal. And without noticing it, they hurt the people around them.

They are called “rude”, “not tactful”, “simple as felt boots”.

The advantage of this is that the energy of the conflict does not accumulate - it immediately falls out on the interlocutor and often hits his feelings very painfully.

Knowing this characteristic of being excessively sincere, try not to rush and choose expressions to convey your position.

Now that we've briefly looked at the causes and consequences of politeness in life, you have an alternative. You can move towards a harmonious balance of sincerity and politeness. The ability to manage your sincerity and politeness in an adequate degree is the key to a healthy mental life.

Of course, the responsibility for your life is in your hands. I hope that one day when you are asked “Do it, be a friend”, “What does it cost you?”, “Are you sorry?” - you may react differently than usual.  

“Sorry, but I can’t right now” or “I’ll be glad to help, but not this time.” And you will feel how the energy of sincerity has gone in the right direction and you will be filled with the joy that you have achieved a small victory - and defended your territory, the territory of your personality, without losing your self-esteem and self-respect.

Finally, I would like to wish that your love and support will always be “from excess”, then your help will be joyful not only to those around you, but also to you!