Listen, why are you reacting like that? You are so emotional! Too sensitive! Don't be so tense! Breathe deeply! Yes, I'm kidding, don't you understand jokes at all? There is no need to make a drama out of everything! Set it and forget it!
Have you heard something similar addressed to you from your husband, boss, girlfriends, employees or relatives?
Usually such phrases are heard in response to your emotional reaction to some of their actions or statements.
Don't think that this is just carelessness on their part. That's when a person is late - this is inattention. And such phrases are pure manipulation.
Such manipulations present women as mentally unbalanced, too vulnerable, illogical creatures.
All this is based on the idea that a woman only needs to be slightly offended for her to have an excessively inadequate and illogical reaction. Such manipulative behavior is described by the word Gaslighting (convincing another of his abnormality and inadequacy). This word is taken from the movie GASLIGHT.
In this 1944 film, the husband of the main character (Ingrid Bergman) wants to take her jewelry.
The only way to get them is to have her taken to a mental hospital.
To do this, he arranges everything in such a way that the lights (on gas) alternately flash on and then go out. (hence the name gas - (gas) lighter - (igniter)). The husband convinces the heroine that she is hallucinating, she is simply not healthy and therefore it seems to her that the gas lamps are going out.
Hence, a gaslighter (this is a psychological term, unfortunately not translated into Russian) is someone who gives false information in order to distort the perception of others or the person himself of himself.
Usually this term is used when they say phrases like “nobody will need you”, “everyone will see how stupid you are” - this is the most direct manipulation, like in the movie when the hero directly hints that his wife has gone crazy.
There are more common, but more subtle manipulations. The gaslighter causes some kind of reaction in a person (upsetting, sad or angry) and then makes them feel uncomfortable, as if they are abnormal.
For example, when a husband makes sudden comments about his wife's weight. And every time she gets upset, he tells her, “Don’t be so sensitive. This is a joke." Or the boss every time comments on the work of his subordinate: “Why do you need brains?”, “Can you at least once do everything right?” “I don’t understand why I’m paying you?”, “The janitor would have done a better job.” Every time she wants to defend herself and says “why are you telling me this, it doesn’t help me, but on the contrary upsets me,” he replies “okay, don’t react so strongly, this is a work process.” In fact, he says this to make her feel inadequate so that she will feel guilty and not leave this job.
An even more harmless version is when a person simply devalues your feelings by saying “you’re too emotional.” That is, it decides for you how you need to feel in this situation. It doesn't matter whether you're a strong woman or not - it creates emotional numbness - meaning you can't respond that this behavior is offensive. In such a situation, a woman cannot tell her husband or parents that such comments do more harm than help, thus not just abandoning her feelings, but abandoning herself.
This ends up forming a passive-aggressive reaction when judged or devalued feelings of sadness, anger or frustration arise. In this case, the person apologizes in advance for his feelings, without even expressing them. And they continue the painful relationship, their hopes and desired life.
In correspondence, this appears as a contradictory message - a combination of anger and approval (ostensibly to mitigate the conflict): “You offended me J” - with a smiley face at the end.
The media pushes the idea that women are not fully adequate, and many women accept this position. Refusal of emotions, when this happens since childhood, ends with the person not understanding his feelings and unable to express them.
This is why it is so important not only to understand your feelings, accept and express them, but also to accept the feelings of other people, even if they are negative and do not suit us personally.
Psychotherapy will help you understand what happens in such situations and gain resources and develop a new behavior strategy, live your own (and not someone else’s) life and not give up on yourself. You can sign up by clicking the button below.
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Date of update: 04/18/2024 Mikhail Dickey - certified psychologist - psychotherapist - coach. Read about the author