How to help without suffering?

 How to help so as not to fall into a trap? From the point of view of transactional analysis, relationships are a game in which everyone has their own role. More often than not, we always take on these roles unconsciously - and end up in the so-called “Karpman triangle” or “triangle of fate.”

He looks like this - Victim - Persecutor - Rescuer. These are the names of the roles that a person takes on.

A rescuer is one who gives out services that are not asked for. According to the triangle, he then feels like a victim when no one thanks him. And turns into the Pursuer.

An example of such a triangle: “rescuer” - mom is struggling to prepare a 4-course dinner and calls for the table, but everyone is busy with their own business. But the family is not going to go because the husband is watching football and the son is playing with friends on the street. They could have eaten themselves. When she realizes that her efforts are not needed, she turns into a “persecutor” - she begins to yell at her family. When everyone has finally gathered, everything has already cooled down and they begin to criticize her, so she becomes a “victim.” Similar stories happen at work.

If a child has been “saved” all his life, he turns into a spoiled incompetent - and his parents eventually get tired of this and begin to persecute him. Persecution does not help and in the end parents will become victims of their spoiled child.

How can you avoid falling into this closed circletriangle.

1.    You need to help only when you are asked for it
2.    When you have already taken care of yourself and your needs
3.   Do not do for a person what he can do himself
4.  Do not take responsibility for a person’s decisions with the help of categorical advice “this is how you should do it”

To help, you need to learn to distribute responsibilities in such a way that everyone is responsible only for what they can control.

1. It is necessary to discuss or, better yet, state who is responsible for what
2. If you are giving advice, package it in a soft and not categorical form: “this is my opinion, but you need to decide”, “I could be wrong, but I think...”
3. There is no need to guarantee your help “if there is time”, “I don’t promise”. Then the person continues to look for a solution to the problem on his own.

 Being a victim or a persecutor is also a thankless task. Therefore, the best way out is to understand that you have now entered the game and try to get out of it by taking a healthy position.

If you find it difficult to understand your situation and how to get out of it, use the help of a psychotherapist by clicking the "sign up" button below.

Initial conversation is always free.

Take action and you will succeed!