Were you accepted as a child?

3-levels of acceptance by parents

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When a child comes into this world, it is critically important for him that his parents accept him - this is a need, the satisfaction of which determines what kind of life he will have.

If we decipher this need for acceptance into words, they will sound like this: “Can I be myself?”

The way parents answer this question reflects the three levels of acceptance.

1.      You have no right to be

Usually parents voice this message through the phrases “you’re in the way”, “because of you I can’t mind my own business.” Therefore, the child grows up as an orphan with a living parent, with a weak, traumatized identity, and poor social adaptation.

2.      You have the right to be, provided that...

You will be what we need - and only then will we accept you. You are not important on your own, you are needed so that we can achieve our goals.  If a child understands what they want from him, then he can be quite socially successful. It turns out that in order to be accepted, a child needs to give up himself. This is how narcissists appear - socially successful people who suffer deep down and want to gain recognition in order to be loved. They always seek the approval of others. It is for this reason that narcissists cannot tolerate rejection - even to the point of panic attacks, as if the ground is disappearing from under their feet - they experience such intense shame.  Unlike narcissists -  who believe that you can receive love only through manifestations and achievements, the first type believes that expressing yourself and “sticking your head out” is unsafe, because you can lose the love that you have. As a result, such a person seems to freeze himself, freezes - he is driven by fear.

3.      You can be yourself and that's great!

Such children develop high self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-support, as a result of good support, acceptance and evaluation from the outside. When such a child grows up, he will think about himself “It’s great that I am who I am!”

If a fixation occurs at the first level of acceptance, he will develop serious mental problems in adulthood. In fact, this person was killed on a psychological level in childhood.

How do you know if you had acceptance issues as a child?  Ask yourself the following questions

- Am I insensitive to myself?

- does my tolerance reach the level of masochism?

- Am I socially shy?

- Am I being kind to others while neglecting my own needs?

- do I hide my opinions from others?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then most likely you experienced the trauma of rejection as a child.

Most likely, if you do not address this problem, you will not be a socially successful person both at work and in relationships with other people.

What to do?

Psychotherapy for people with basic acceptance trauma should consist of restoring the traumatized perception of oneself.  As a rule, this occurs through the influence of the psychotherapist’s personality in a therapeutic relationship that has a unique nature: love and unconditional acceptance within the framework of time and a psychotherapeutic contract.

My task as a psychotherapist is to convey my love and influence the client's perception of himself with a healthy identity within the framework of unconditional acceptance. So that the client receives the right to love and respect regardless of anything.

In this case, the main tool is not exercises and techniques - but the ability to maintain deep contact and relationship with the client.

In this way, the client has internal support - through interaction with external support - the psychotherapist. 

Of course, a psychotherapist cannot become a mother for a client, this must be understood in order to keep the person in contact during therapy. Disappointment and pain from the fact that a psychotherapist cannot become a mother (or father) with support in a psychotherapeutic relationship helps the person who comes to therapy grow up. 

A person learns to accept and endure reality, gradually filling his inner “reservoir of love” and thus healing occurs.

If you feel that you need this type of therapy, I invite you to schedule a consultation online or in person by clicking the button below. Online consultations are no less effective than in-person consultations, but at the same time they save a lot of time and make it possible to quickly arrange meetings. The initial consultation is completely free, you have nothing to lose.

Don't waste time. After all, the primary trauma of lack of acceptance deprives you of success in work and in relationships with other people.

The sooner you take care of your inner world, the faster your outer world will transform.

Take action and you will succeed!