How to forget a loved one: advice from a psychologist

How can you forget your loved one, when everything was fabulous, there was mutual love and it seemed that happiness would last forever.
Life, unfortunately, breaks these crystal castles.
If you are now going through the hell of a breakup. There are no more tears and you just can’t come to your senses. This article is to help you get through this pain.
In any case, if a person left, no matter how wonderful he was, it is not yours, which means the future has prepared for you a new meeting with someone who will be with you you.
It’s hard to pull yourself out of this swamp of negative thoughts. They drag on.
If you are in the acute phase after separation, you certainly need the help of a psychotherapist.  I consult online and in person in Kyiv and can help you get through this difficult period in your life and recover for a new relationship.

Phases of recovery after a breakup

There are three recovery phases you need to go through after a breakup. After all, the loss of love is a serious test for the psyche. If you don’t go through these phases in a healthy way, but “get stuck” in them, then you can get stuck in unlived feelings for many years and isolate yourself from new relationships and the colors of life.
So, the three phases in order:
1. Phase - revision (awareness)
Freud also wrote about the importance of tearing away mental energy from the lost object. For this to happen and for you to metaphorically emerge from the abyss of grief, you first need to plunge into it, surrender to these feelings. There is no need to restrain yourself, allow yourself to mourn the loss, remember everything that connected you, remember the grievances, guilt, joint plans, and bright moments.
2. Phase - recycling (returning things)
When the severity of the loss subsides, as soon as you can do this, ruthlessly get rid of all the things that remind you of your ex. Return his things, photographs. Firmly decide not to keep an eye on him in your neighbors, and not to call your friends to find out information about him.  It won't be easy. But when the interaction with visible reminders stops, you will be ready for the last phase.
3. Phase - separation (separation)
At this moment, the final liberation from the relationship with the person occurs. Life is divided into two periods - before and after.
At this stage, you can already remember these relationships with gratitude and without pain. You don't feel resentment or anger. This page of life has been turned over and only memories occasionally declare its existence.
It sounds quite unrealistic at first glance. Especially in the first acute phase.  But this is possible and often happens if a person closes the relationship competently.
It is important not to try to immediately start a new relationship after a bad breakup. I can say that nothing good will come from such a relationship, but will only get worse. Since unfinished past relationships are usually followed by the completion of new ones.
Give your soul time to gain strength and energy in order to free itself from the past. For some it will take months, for others it will take a year (this is on average).
To quickly recover from a previous relationship, it is very important not to do the wrong things, otherwise the recovery process will be delayed.
That is why it is important, so that there are no new reminders and events related to the ex. Because this triggers the injury again. Stop picking at the wound! It won't heal any faster.

Wrong actions that prevent you from healing

1. Stop dreaming and thinking about him. Of course you can't force yourself not to think. But you can, when such thoughts come, calmly let them go and not consciously immerse yourself in such thoughts and dreams. If you do this, these thoughts will gradually fade away.
2. You keep his things. Any objects, music, material reminders of your ex will throw you back in the healing process. Get rid of them. If you don’t have the strength to get rid of them, remove them or take them away from your eyes for a long time. Give it to someone for safekeeping.
3.Refuse to accept that the relationship is overb. If you don't remind yourself every day that they are no longer there, you won't stop feeding hope.
4. Go to places you went to together. It is clear that this is not necessary. If it is not at all possible to go where you were together, at least do not do this in the acute phase after a breakup.
5. Listen to depressive, sad music, watch films about love. You shouldn’t remind yourself of the wound you received; you shouldn’t engage in self-deception or idealize past relationships. All this prevents you from closing them for yourself forever.

Practical recommendations on how to forget your ex.

1. Think about the reasons why you were together. It may turn out that it was not love, but loneliness and the need for love. In this case, it is wiser to deal with these reasons than to seek to solve them again with the help of another person. You may need to work on low self-esteem with a therapist or work through childhood trauma.
2.Understand that there is no “one.”There are a huge number of people in the world and quite a few of them could potentially be wonderful to you partners. Of course, TV and books could wind you up and send you into a pink fog, but in reality, soul mates do not exist. We are all born whole.
3. Do not heal through revenge or hatred.They have not healed anyone yet. Direct your anger and energy towards your own development.
4. If you were abandoned and it hit your self-esteem, then perhaps you do not need this particular person, but need to strengthen your self-esteem. Most likely, this is exactly why you were with him before. Therefore, sort out your self-esteem. There is psychotherapy for this.
5.BoronDeal with loneliness It is during loneliness that memories and negative thoughts overcome. You begin to delve into yourself, into your memories, to harbor hopes that everything can come back. Never be alone - friends and family can help. Pay attention to your girlfriends, go shopping with them, to cafes, theaters, and discos. If they don’t call you, dial them yourself and initiate meetings. Think about those you haven't seen for a long time. Meet them, immerse yourself in their lives, it will distract you from your problems. It is important to talk about your separation. But only a psychotherapist can withstand such conversations for a long time. Moreover, relatives often injure you because they cannot be neutral, but take your side or the guy’s side. It’s easier for a stranger to lay everything out as it is than for a loved one. It is the psychotherapist and psychologist who are those “free ears” who will tell you what to do next, dissuade you from wrong actions that can only ruin an already difficult situation.
6. It is useful to think about its shortcomings. Perhaps he has a lot of advantages, but he is no longer with you. His eyes and gentle hands are gone. There is no need to make an enemy out of him - but if you analyze his shortcomings, you yourself will begin to doubtThe question is whether he was worthy of your love. Maybe he didn’t help when needed, forgot about an important date, lied, didn’t appreciate your efforts, didn’t clean up after himself, and so on. If you think about it, every person is full of shortcomings. This will destroy ideal fantasies and it will be easier to get him out of your head.
7. Immerse yourself in work, study, hobbies headlong.  If it doesn't seem to help, it means you haven't tried. Of course, in the acute phase after a breakup, it will be difficult to focus on textbooks, but perhaps a hobby that you have always wanted to take up - embroidery, cutting and sewing courses, dancing, volunteering - will definitely help you take your mind off it. Moreover, a new job, new acquaintances, new communication. When you're busy and the days fly by, time will naturally heal your wound.
8. Find like-minded people. Perhaps they will be in some organization or club of interests. Research suggests that being with others who share your interests is calming, increases your sense of belonging, increases your sense of self-worth, and helps you achieve your goals.
9. Make a list of things you've always wanted to do but put off because of this relationship. You will have new goals that you can work on for some time. If you couldn’t go somewhere yourself, go. Challenge yourself, take part in some kind of competition.
10.Specifically plan your “special days”when the memories will especially bother and torment you. Again, friends and acquaintances will come to the rescue. Let them fill the time you spent with your ex.
11. Say goodbye to your ex. You may need the help of a psychotherapist for this. Sometimes you need to write a goodbye letter, but you don't have to send it.
12. Get yourself a pet. Caring for someone else can reduce your depressed mood and make you happy.
13. Revaluate your life philosophy. Drowning in anger and hatred will not make you happy.  Do you easily give in to negative emotions? Will you allow коcontrol your ex's emotions even after the breakup?  Realize that you can’t alway blame your ex for the breakup, accept responsibility in this matter.
14. You can draw conclusions from past relationships. You always have love to give to another, there are many things in life other than relationships that will enrich life. Remember how you lived before this relationship, what they gave you. Ask yourself: what can I do that I wouldn’t have done before? What was I able to learn from my partner? What were we able to achieve together that I could not have achieved on my own?
15. Express gratitude to friendswho supported you during this difficult period.  Thank them for listening to you and being patient. Say that without them it would be much harder for you. This is important so that they don't get burned out supporting you.
16. Fill your home with positivity. Organize a marathon of films that lifted your spirits. Communicate with people who energize you.
Don't let negative emotions ruin all the good things that were in your relationship. Even though a breakup can be a shock and upheaval for you. There is no need to try to keep a person who does not want to be with you. This will not bring you joy, it will only exhaust you.  Better get ready to meet new love. Of course this is easier said than done. You may be in a lot of pain.
Consolation and words from loved ones seem empty, and the desire to help feels like pity. But in any case, isolation is even worse.
Therefore, if you decide to use my services as a psychologist and psychotherapist online or in person in Kyiv, I will be glad to help you survive the separation from your loved one and prepare for meeting new love. Click on the button below to schedule a consultation.

Take action and you will succeed!