You've probably often met people in your life who are no longer 10 or 15 years old, but 30, 40, 50, but only in appearance.

They seem to have frozen in their childhood and still expect from others the love that they so lacked then. As a rule, this trauma of not having enough love from childhood torments a person until he receives this love or learns to receive it on his own.

Why does this happen?

There are certain stages of a child’s formation through which he sequentially passes. And at each stage, the child needs a portion of love and attention in a certain form.

Love in infancy.

In infancy, the child desperately needs his mother to be physically nearby and sensitive to his slightest needs - this is when basic trust in the world is formed.

If the mother is absent or rejects the needs of the child, basic trust is not formed, but rather suspicion and a sense of danger.

Adults who have experienced such trauma find it extremely difficult to make contact and subject loved ones to trust tests. But even having entered into a close relationship, they feel unsafe and defenseless in them.

Love at 2-3 years

When infancy ends, the baby learns autonomy and self-control. If at this moment the parents do not allow him to show independence or expect much greater independence than the child is capable of,  instead of autonomy, he is born with shame and doubt in his ability to control himself and control the world around him.

With such trauma, adults develop obsessive-compulsive symptoms (that is, prone to obsessive thoughts or actions) and low self-esteem, as well as fear of persecution.

Love at 3-6 years old

At this age it is necessary to encourage independence, curiosity and creativity. If initiative is persecuted and not encouraged, a feeling of guilt is formed.

Adults with this type of injury are indecisive. They cannot set goals and achieve them, and a developed sense of guilt leads to passivity.

Love for a schoolboy

During this period, it is important to encourage the child's self-esteem and not compare him with other children. Otherwise, the child may develop a feeling of inferiority, which has a paralyzing effect on the person.

If parents focus on the child’s achievements rather than on his personality, then the child is born with an “achiever” complex or narcissistic manifestations (that is, an inability to love or perceive oneself as a function) .

An adult with such trauma has difficulty loving people and himself and evaluates himself only through the prism of his achievements.

Exercise “Love your inner child”

Now let's help our inner child receive love in the form in which he did not receive it in childhood.

1.       Take a childhood photo (you can take several photos of yourself at different ages, if you have them, and choose one of them, the one you imagine yourself to be as a child).

If there is no photo, just imagine your inner child.

2.      Ask yourself questions: How old is my inner child? What is he wearing? What's his hairstyle like? What's in his hands? What is he worried about? Who is next to him?

3.      Take two pens or two pencils of different colors.

If you can write with both hands at the same time, write with your right hand as an adult, and with your left as a child. If you are left-handed, then vice versa.

If you find it difficult to write at the same time, write alternately on behalf of an adult and a child. Your task is for your adult to talk to your inner child.

4.      Ask questions to your inner child. “What are you missing?”, “What are you worried about?”, “What would you like?”, “What advice do you need?”, “What question do you have?” It is very important to talk to him warmly and lovingly.

5.      Determine at what age your inner child is and what kind of love he needs. Give him this love. Tell him about it. Be the kind of parent he needed then.

This exercise is useful to repeat periodically. You can control the time of such a conversation yourself.

If you don’t have pens or paper at hand, you can simplify it to an internal dialogue.

In this way you give yourself the love that was lacking at certain stages of formation - and, therefore, influence your behavior in adulthood, due to the lack of love.

Of course, this exercise is not a panacea and it is better to seek help from a psychologist since love and acceptance in psychotherapy gives a much more powerful healing effect through live feedback and unconditional acceptance, but as self-help can use this exercise. To sign up for a consultation, click the button below. 

Take action and you will succeed!