Psychologist's advice: how to deal with jealousy

Jealousy is a common reason for seeking counseling for both men and women. Clients experience an acute sense of fear of losing a loved one, which increases over time.

In fact, jealousy is present to some extent in any relationship: friendships, family and even at work.

The reason for jealousy can be not only the situation in your own life, but also disturbing situations among friends or some information that a person has heard. Thus, thoughts appear that perhaps the person is not faithful, they begin to take over the consciousness, pushing the person to action.
Women and men begin to monitor their partner, arrange conflicts and interrogations that did not exist before.
< br /> The more jealousy overcomes you, the more you want to get rid of it and the stronger it becomes - a vicious circle.

At this moment, clients turn for help, realizing that there is no objective reason for such an inadequate reaction and we need to do something about it.

Types of jealousy

Jealousy is a negative feeling in a relationship that comes from a lack of attention. An acute sense of ownership over another person, a desire to completely control them. The negative emotion of jealousy is expressed in suspicion, lack of trust and doubt.
There are three types:

• rational jealousy - when there is a real threat of losing a person
• irrational jealousy - does not imply a real threat and is based on fantasies. Typically occurs in people with low self-esteem who have experienced trauma in childhood.
• delusion of jealousy is a mental pathology, inadequate jealousy is usually associated with mental disorders (chemical addictions, schizophrenia, paranoid disorder)

How jealousy appears

The very feeling of jealousy is normal. It is formed in a child between the ages of 1 and 3 years.  The child learns to interact with his parents.
The child shows a desire for independence and by the end of the third year he understands that he is a separate person with his own will. The child begins to protest against restrictions. This period is called “I myself” - the stage of negativism. He wants to have power over objects, so he is jealous of everyone with whom he is forced to share this power. Especially if they are brothers and sisters.
If a child has had attachment trauma, violence, or lack of love, then the woman or man who grows out of such a child will choose a partner who stimulates jealousy. The cause of jealousy can be any dysfunctional relationship in the family, infidelity of one of the parents, alcoholism (and the child takes the side of the offended parent).
If jealousy arose in adulthood, then the cause is most likely low self-esteem, which is expressed in complexes and a feeling of uselessness.
It can also cause dependence, fear of loneliness or an excessive sense of ownership. One of the manifestations of jealousy in this case may be the enjoyment of painful feelings of rejection and humiliation, during surveillance and suspicion - masochism.
Another reason for jealousy is a pathological desire for control. When control is lost, jealousy increases manifold, a state of panic begins.
It happens that a partner deliberately provokes jealousy in order to receive “confirmation of love.” When such confirmation is constantly required, this indicates a high degree of codependency. Such women are looking for an emotional shake-up that they have been accustomed to since childhood. It is unbearable for them to live in a calm state.

Getting rid of jealousy

We are talking about jealousy that has no basis - irrational jealousy. Below you will find some ideas on how to get rid of jealousy.
1. Realize at what age you first felt jealousy. How did you deal with it then?
2. How do people you know deal with jealousy? What ideas do you have about what should be done in case of jealousy?
3. Jealousy is the desire to control someone else’s life. Ask yourself why you spend so much time controlling someone else's life?
4. Remember that the path to intimacy does not lie through power and jealousy.
5. Your fantasies, emotions and actions are not the same thing . The actions can have devastating consequences on the relationship. Acknowledge and monitor your emotions. There is no need to suppress (it doesn’t work), much less ignore. Accept the fact that you are jealous. that jealousy determines your deeds and actions. You have the opportunity to disobey this emotion.
6. By consciously returning to situations when you had feelings of anger and anxiety, you help the emotions decrease and eliminate the anger.  Once you learn to accept and realize this, it will be easier for you to tolerate jealousy in the future..
7.Uncertainty is a fact of life. No one can guarantee you eternal love. The more obsessively you insist on guaranteeing such love, the more likely you are to destroy everything. The anxiety of being abandoned and betrayed is so great that some people give up first in order not to be abandoned.
8. Live here and now and don’t focus on the future which you cannot control.
9. If you have low self-esteem and it’s hard for you to admit that you can be loved, arm yourself with the thought “if someone is with me, then he needs it.”
10. Assess your requests for relationships? Is it realistic for a person to give up his libido or feelings of sympathy for others?
11. Instead of attacks of jealousy, try to notice the positive in your partner and give compliments.  Being grateful to another even for little things helps reduce jealousy.
12. If you decide to overcome jealousy, then you need to proceed from the idea that your partner is faithful to you. If you assume that this is not so, you will not be able to cope with jealousy. Therefore, accept your partner’s loyalty as an axiom.
13. The reason for your irrational jealousy is in fantasies, fears that are only in your imagination - fear of betrayal, betrayal, loneliness.
14. Don’t expect your partner to help you get rid of this feeling . You have created this fear in your head, you need to get rid of it
15. Replace the fear of loneliness and betrayal with the fear of ruining your relationship with your loved one with your suspicions and scenes of jealousy. If you are truly afraid of this, then the jealousy will go away.
16. Address low or high self-esteem.
Low self-esteem correlates with attachment style in adulthood. The attachment style that you formed in childhood when interacting with your parents dictates your behavior in adulthood with your partner. There are two groups of styles.
The first group is the secure style (which is formed by children of confident, loving parents), and the second group consists of three varieties. Anxious-ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized. Everything is clear with the first group. Most likely you don't have any problems. And if you experience a constant feeling of emptiness or worthlessness, if anxiety alternated with calm reigned in your home, maybe you were suppressed - then most likely your style belongs to one of the last three.
The attachment style itself is not a death sentence, it can be treated withspecialist, however, as well as low self-esteem.
The problem with high self-esteem is expressed in the fact that you are sure that any distraction from your person humiliates your self-esteem.
Jealousy can also be generated by a fanatical belief in absolute intimacy, when any hint of personal space is perceived as a threat to take away the most valuable.

Of course, this is not a complete list of causes of jealousy or strategies for getting rid of it. In any case, I hope you found this article helpful.
If it’s hard for you to follow the path of overcoming jealousy, fears and correcting your self-esteem, I invite you to therapy. I will be glad to help you as a psychotherapist online or in person in Kyiv. Click the button below to schedule a consultation.
Take action and you will succeed!