Clients often come to me with this request. “How can I make him leave his wife for me?”, “How can I make her love me?” - popular variations of this request. This is a so-called request for a “third party” - something that a psychotherapist does not do; he cannot influence a person who is not in the office with him. There can be a huge number of variations of such a request - your feeling is not mutual, the habits of a loved one are annoying, the boss does not raise the salary, the client is too picky - “do something with him.”
How you want the world to meet your expectations, so that everything is convenient! Accepting this world and people as they are is difficult. I want to change everyone to suit myself.
But! At the same time, no one wants to have a direct conversation - confrontation. After all, if you reveal your feelings and desires to another, you may be ridiculed, rejected or simply misunderstood, this often happens.
What to do if you have already tried to talk and share your experiences, but you have not been heard? And even if you tried to threaten, yell, slam the door - and this also does not work, the relationship only deteriorates, trust melts, and the effect disappears the next day?
There is a great temptation to resort to manipulation. Manipulation is the hidden influence on another person to achieve a goal.
In manipulation, another person ceases to be a person - he turns into an object. The purpose of manipulation can be both material benefits and simply pleasure from the fact that the object - the victim - has a drop in self-esteem, a spoiled mood, and a strengthened dependent position.
Manipulation is because it is carried out covertly, your victim does not understand that you are behind those actions and feelings that she perceives as her own. “He values his family, so he will go to great lengths if he creates the appearance of a threat to the family,” “She has a kind heart, she cannot help but help if provoked.” Is there a weak point (feeling) that can be pressed on in order to achieve her goals, so much so that it seems to her that this decision was made independently? p>
Maybe a feeling of guilt or obligation or something else? Such questions are asked by those who want to manipulate in relationships.
From this moment, a loved one ceases to be a person and becomes a thing with the button you need, without his own inner world and desires. A thing that can and should be used.
Nobody likes manipulation and other people can apply it to us.
Often we ourselves become victims of manipulation. Clients ask “How can I not succumb to his/her manipulations/provocations?” It is easier for us to see how we are being manipulated than to admit to ourselves that we are doing the same.
What to do? We don't like to lose in this fight to make the world and the people around us behave the way we want. It’s hard to give up the idea of your own omnipotence, because you really want to win.
This is why grandmothers and psychics are so popular in our country. After all, they promise results regardless of the will of the other person.
The very need for such influence, despite the fact that it seems to be a sign of power, is born from weakness - an inability to trust others and a pathological desire to control.
Yes, open dialogue is a difficult path, a path for the powerful both in the case when you are being manipulated and when the manipulator is you yourself. Only on the path of dialogue do your loved ones cease to be objects of manipulation and become living people with their own desires, needs, fears and weaknesses. Love cannot be forced, it is the path of intimacy. The path is not always mutual, no matter how difficult it may be to admit
You always have a choice in how you interact with others. Do you need to live with the thing you are manipulating or do you need a living person? What really drives you?
Maybe it’s worth understanding yourself and your motives? What is behind the desire to manipulate another person? Wouldn't it be better to deal with your fears, weaknesses and desires for control? Perhaps then your awareness will help change your usual behavior, reactions and, consequently, relationships for the better?
It's up to you. I am ready to help you understand your situation. As an online psychotherapist, I can say that this is a convenient and effective way to work on yourself. If you wish, you can also sign up for a consultation with a psychotherapist online by clicking on the button below.
Take action and you will succeed!
Date of update: 04/18/2024 Mikhail Dickey - certified psychologist - psychotherapist - coach. Read about the author