A company that provides acting training asked me to write an article to answer a frequently asked question from clients.
This is how it sounds “I’m shy, I’m afraid, I’m not comfortable - every time it comes to starting a dialogue with someone, engaging with someone into communication. I also cannot relax and feel comfortable in company. I practically don’t speak, I’m shy again. I'm not confident about this. Why are we afraid to show up? Where do all these fears come from? How to deal with them? How to learn to be free? Uninhibited? Don’t worry about what people will think about me, what do I look like?”
I'll start in order.
Why does the thought of awkwardness arise when communicating with other people?
Awkwardness in communication is associated with a feeling of shame: “I will do something wrong, they will laugh at me, I will be misunderstood, I will not be accepted.” It is clear that attention is directed to evaluating other people. It is very important how other people evaluate you. In psychology this is called “external locus of control”, that is, a person is guided not by his assessment of himself “internal locus of control” but by the opinions of other people - external ones. This is usually due to the fact that a person does not love himself, that is, he does not accept himself as he is, but needs to be appreciated by others. A person with high self-esteem, and, therefore, one who loves himself, is practically indifferent to the opinions of other people. He values himself highly, regardless of his behavior, and this evaluation overrides any negativity that he may hear from other people. And by default, he believes that others should also accept him as anyone. Therefore, he has no fear in presenting himself to others.
The problem of low self-esteem also creates tension in the company of other people. Of course, there are introverts who, in principle, are uncomfortable in large companies, since being among a large number of unfamiliar people is associated with stress and energy consumption, but this is not related to their self-esteem and self-love.
Embarrassment and fear of presenting yourself are again associated with a lack of self-love and low self-esteem. A small child, if he is unconditionally loved by his parents, is not afraid to present himself and make mistakes. It is this freedom that gives him the opportunity to develop harmoniously while exploring the world.
The world of a person who is not loved shrinks. Fear of rejection forces such a person to be careful not to lose at least the love his parents have for him. Therefore, he tries to show himself less and less so as not to experience rejection. For a person who is filled with love, the rejection of other people has little effect on his self-esteem and is therefore uncritical. This same pattern of behavior carries over into adulthood.
In general, the idea is clear. Low self-esteem, which is associated with the fact that the child was either forbidden to make personal choices and make independent decisions, was not supported and unconditionally loved in adulthood, manifests itself in the fear of presenting himself in communication with other people, the fear of rejection.
We have already determined who is to blame. Now let's find out what to do?
And this is what you need to do: First, love yourself. This can be learned through personal choice, understanding and acceptance of oneself. In practice, you need to learn to do what you like and choose what you like and be aware of this and not choose what you don’t like. This leads to self-actualization - that is, understanding one’s personality and accepting oneself unconditionally. That is, to love yourself.
When this self-love grows, then it will overcome fears of other people and the locus of control will shift from outside to inside. It will be more important what I think about myself, and not what other people think about me.
Of course, you can do this on your own, daily doing what you like and not doing what you don’t like, building your boundaries in communication with other people, defending your freedom and your interests.< /p>
But this happens much faster in therapy. Because a psychotherapist is essentially a person who pours in this concentrated unconditional love that was not given in childhood, but in portions))). Plus psychoter
apist has a whole range of techniques that will help in building a healthy self-image, changing negative beliefs and working through fears that are already entrenched at the behavioral level.
This is not a death sentence, everything can be fixed. If you really want to love and accept yourself, you will definitely succeed.
You already know the direction, but the method is up to you!
Take action! If you decide to use my help, I will be happy to help. Click the button below to make an appointment with a psychotherapist online.
Date of update: 04/18/2024 Mikhail Dickey - certified psychologist - psychotherapist - coach. Read about the author