Boundaries define how we interact with other people. Without boundaries, it is difficult to understand where the line is between my interests and the interests of another person.

Trampling on your boundaries or violating others’ boundaries threatens conflicts with yourself or other people. Therefore, it is important to be able to define your boundaries and protect them.

What are borders? Personal boundaries can be defined as something you do or don't do. They are what characterize your integrity, maturity and responsibility.

The building of personal boundaries is hampered by social attitudes laid down by upbringing, fear and, oddly enough, politeness.

There are three types of borders:

1. Hard boundaries involve behavior where you avoid attachment to other people and keep them at a distance through a set of rigid rules of interaction.

2. Entangling boundaries - when you enter into a symbiotic relationship and can both satisfy all the needs of the other, and expect that he will answer you in the same way.

3. Permeable boundaries are the most healthy type of relationship where you clearly understand where your freedom ends and the freedom of the other person begins. At the same time, you can let another person into your territory, but at the same time you are clearly aware of this, the same applies to those cases when you enter the territory of another. This concerns each other’s rights and responsibilities, while you give others the opportunity to differ from you and do not require them to change their ideas about rights and responsibilities, but you also do not allow them to violate your own.

How do I understand where my boundaries are?

To understand this, it is important for you to determine your values, responsibilities and generally understand who you are.

The following simple exercise will help you with this.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What problems are there in my life?

2. What worries me?

3. Who is involved in my problems?

4. How does this affect me?

5. What are my obligations?

6. What am I responsible for?

7. What can I influence?

8. What do I want?

The last question is usually the hardest for people with boundary issues to answer. But this is critical for defining boundaries. The same applies to the definition of responsibility. Are you taking on too much? When you decide who is responsible for what in each specific situation, it will be easier for you to understand how to act specifically for you.

For example, you are tired of asking to wash the dishes. Instead of whining, wash it yourself, don't put yourself in the position of a victim. Or if you cannot put up with this, then radically resolve the relationship issue.

What the other person does is his choice, and what you put up with is yours.

Of course, when you declare your boundaries, be prepared for the fact that others will not like it. Often presenting boundaries is difficult because it is associated with a childhood fear of rejection, where you were not allowed to have your own opinion. You may face retaliation or punishment from the person to whom you expressed boundaries. Take courage and allow yourself to choose yourself and your mental health in all situations.

Perhaps you are not used to treating yourself this way, and it seems like complete selfishness to you, but it is correct. This is the position of an adult.

The fear of setting boundaries can be overcome if you have the determination to take action.

Here are some ideas that can help you with this:

1. Voice your desire to yourself first

2. Write it down on paper or in a gadget

3. Think about what exactly is stopping you from drawing the line in this particular case

4. If the cause is psychological problems, fears or low self-esteem, seek help from a psychotherapist.

You may have to take a lot of small steps to gradually build up the border. It helps a lot to say out loud “I messages”: “I don’t agree”, “I don’t want this”, “I can’t allow this”, etc.

Voicing your position leads to the fact that you yourself will treat it with great respect, and then others will do the same.

Be gentle with yourself, don't demand too much from yourself. The fact that you have taken the path of building boundaries and respecting yourself is already a great achievement. Any changes take time, especially for behavior that you have been building for years.

Ultimately, boundaries are your business, you don’t have to explain to anyone why you have them the way you do and not others. You are a unique person with your own values, needs and desires. With boundaries, you take responsibility for your life. You are now its architect and you are responsible for what you build.

Don't let others force you to live their life.

You and only you are the creator of your happiness, if you need help, sign up for a consultation with a psychotherapist online by clicking on the button below.

Take action and you will succeed!