What is the difference between guilt and shame and how to deal with them?

These two toxic feelings have haunted us since childhood.

As you know, what we are more aware of, we control better. In order to deal with them competently, I suggest increasing your awareness of which experiences relate to guilt and which to shame, in order to distinguish them from other experiences.

Guilt says “I did bad,” and shame says “I am bad.”

Guilt refers to responsibility towards other people, usually acquaintances.

Shame – refers to understanding oneself in society, in front of strangers and in society as a whole.

As a result of guilt, the experience of coercion or punishment is formed, and as a result of shame, humiliation or rejection with fear of possible punishment is formed.

At the same time, in the case of guilt, punishment is really possible (other people can punish for an offense), and in the case of shame, it is an imaginary, unlikely phenomenon (a person punishes himself).

If you look at the development of a child, the feeling of guilt is established at 5-6 years old, along with an awareness of social responsibilities that encourage him to restrain his selfish or aggressive feelings.

Shame is formed much earlier (at 2-3 years), when the child begins to understand the difference between “good” and “bad.”

Guilt arises when a child satisfies a need that goes against duty, and shame arises when this need is condemned by the environment.

The child’s action in the case of guilt is often conscious, whereas in the case of shame it is often an unconscious act.

The child experiences positive emotions at the time of the offense, which later causes guilt, and if shame is formed, then the emotions at the time of the act are usually negative.

The feeling of guilt is generated by a mixture of various experiences; the child tries to find an excuse for himself by remembering his positive qualities and, as a rule, finds this justification.

When you feel shame, you feel like you are being seen right through, that you are vulnerable and defenseless. A person becomes fixated on his shortcomings, completely forgetting about his merits, feeling like an insignificance.

When you feel guilty, you worry about how the action might affect other people, but the feelings do not extend to other areas of your life.

Shame covers the entire personality, instilling a feeling of inadequacy and inability to realize anything at all in life.

At the physiological level, guilt manifests itself in increased heart rate and muscle tension.

Shame affects you like a boa constrictor on a rabbit at the body level: the blood rushes to your face, it’s difficult to move, despite the desire to run away. This loss of control over the body deepens the feeling of shame.

Now that we understand the difference between guilt and shame, it’s good to understand how to deal with them.

How to get rid of guilt:

1. Ask for forgiveness

2. Accept possible punishment

3. Cause damage

How to get rid of shame:

1. Realize your right to make mistakes

2. Realize your value as a person.

3. Love yourself

You say, “It’s easy to say, I tried and it doesn’t work!” I agree - it's difficult without support. If you need support in dealing with guilt and shame, then I invite you to online psychotherapy. I would be happy to help you cope with these toxic feelings and find the joy of life, free from the burden of guilt and the cage of shame. To schedule a consultation, click on the button below.

Take action and you will succeed!