How to get over a breakup?

 When people break up, it causes extreme emotional stress. On the stress scale, separation from a loved one is in 3rd place, right after divorce and death of a loved one.

Most often, news of a breakup comes to us like a bolt from the blue. We are usually not prepared for such a turn of events and perceive it as a betrayal and a shot in the back.

It must be said that the reasons for separation are usually our own fault - we do not know how or do not want to build relationships, this is the price for selfishness and inactivity.

Be that as it may, the pain of a breakup does not become less with explanations of why it happened.  Of course, one of the couple suffers more.

It seems logical to suggest maintaining at least some semblance of a relationship so as not to break it completely and not cut off the access to emotional oxygen.

Shall we remain friends?

Sometimes someone alone offers to maintain a friendly relationship. Is this a reasonable solution?

How to break up correctly in order to stay on good terms?

If you consider that friendship between a man and a woman always includes love, then perhaps you broke up in vain if you want to maintain friendship (read love).

Think about talking through what was the cause of the conflict and breakup, perhaps “the steam will come out” and you can be together again without dissatisfaction and irritation.  This helps, but unfortunately, it is rare.

If you happen to be someone who doesn’t want a breakup, then you are ready to do anything to maintain the relationship in some way. You feel hurt, bad and scared.  We can say that you are running from pain to even greater pain - a masochistic, non-reciprocal relationship. Relationships where your efforts are not needed will quickly become empty. The victim position sucks energy out of you like a powerful vacuum cleaner. At the same time, you develop passive aggression towards your partner for “friendship.”

Loss of energy in such a situation quickly puts you into “energy conservation” mode - depression. Here you can’t do without a psychotherapist, and if you’ve brought yourself to clinical depression, then a psychiatrist.

If you initiated the breakup, then you are not happy either. You don’t want aggression and scandals, you’re afraid of offending. That's when the thought comes to you: why not offer friendship as an alternative to a tough breakup.  

This is not a good idea. An honest breakup is always painful, not easy and not gentle. Most likely it won’t work out to be friends, and then you’ll have to tear at the unhealed wound again.  If you are not a sadist and you do not enjoy watching a person suffer, then it is probably better to cut once than to cut pieces.

It’s another matter if you already have children together. Then you are forced to find a compromise; you will forever remain mom and dad. You will have to learn to communicate with your ex for the sake of the child (it’s a pity that this didn’t work out for you in your marriage). It's possible. Often even relationships after a breakup are more pleasant than in relationships.

It happens that an intimate relationship arose on the basis of some kind of joint business or project. It just so happened that you communicated so much and closely and it ended in intimacy.

If this was just a random thing for both of you and your project or joint business is much more important, returning to friendly relations will most likely be greeted with relief. This happens quite often, but not always.

What to do to get over a breakup?

If someone just broke up with you and you are in shock, do not make sudden movements. You are now torn from anger, pain and resentment and you want to do something to make her (him) hurt too - don’t do anything. Take a pause. And interrupt any communication with your ex/ex.

The human psyche is designed in such a way that it cannot maintain the same intensity of emotions for a long time. Time cures. In the sense that the intensity of the pain will subside, the severity of the pain will pass, and you will be able to perceive this situation more easily.

Then perhaps you can honestly answer the question of why you are so eager to get back into a relationship, even under the guise of “friendship.”  Do you need this kind of pseudo friendship? It’s too late to work on relationships; now the smartest thing to do is to reach a state where the ex does not evoke any emotions.

Scientific research by anthropologist Helen Fisher confirms that when presented with photos of exes, a person experiences a reaction similar to the reaction of a chemical addict after a breakdown.  Psychologist Roy Baumeuter believes that the offer to “stay friends” is convenient only for the one who initiates the breakup and it is better to get over it by saying to yourself “nothing connects me with this person anymore” than to hold on to the illusion of friendship.  If necessary, cry and grieve as much as necessary with the thought that it will end.  Focus on yourself and your interests. 

Look for ways to add positivity and resource to your life.

This way you can help yourself live a joyful life after a breakup and not lose faith that you will meet a person with whom everything will work out. Every mistake and failure brings you closer to success.

If you need psychological support to get over a breakup, then I am ready to help you as a psychologist online or in person in Kyiv.  Click on the button below to register.

Take action and you will succeed!