If you have had a strong desire to receive approval from others since childhood, but you are very tired of such a life strategy, then you will find it useful to read this article.
You can say “I can’t help it.” Then it will be useful for you to explore what keeps you in this behavioral model and try to gain flexibility by taking this as a request to work with a psychotherapist.
Why is this a losing strategy? A healthier approach from a psychological point of view is to like yourself first and live based primarily on your own values and your sense of harmony and peace.
Of course, people who are used to manipulating you and know about your pain point of “wanting their approval” will not like this. Learning to build a new relationship with such people is also possible, and they will have to accept you on your terms, this is the price for not betraying yourself and your interests. If you don't understand how to do this? Again, psychotherapy helps.
But isn't the inability to say no or ask for decent pay for your work the greater price you pay in such relationships?
You will be called an egoist or some other label that has been habitually used to manipulate you. But think about the fact that you are helping someone else take responsibility for their own life and learn not to shift onto others what they can do on their own. At the same time, you maintain your boundaries and feelings of peace with yourself and do not turn into a victim.
What about the desire to make others happy?
Shame and guilt for living better than others are toxic feelings. The best strategy is to act not out of shame and guilt, but out of love for other people.
Moreover, love is not always “give everything to someone who is worse off than you”, “give to others what you like” “don’t ask for anything from others and refuse when you yourself offer"
Rather, this behavior is caused by the desire to receive a reward from God (the world,
universe) for their sacrifices. “Such a good and reliable person like me certainly deserves some kind of bonus from above more than others.”
This is a passive aggressive strategy. This time aimed at manipulating higher forces. “guess it for yourself”
Why not start asking directly?
Learn to ask directly, without manipulation, for your desires and needs to others, and perhaps also directly ask higher powers (if you believe in them) for what you need.
Have the “chutzpah” to stop being ashamed of yourself and feel like an eternal debtor to everyone around you.
If you are given something, simply accept it sincerely and say thank you, without fantasizing about what will be required of you in return. If you didn’t demand it, then you don’t owe anything. And if they demanded it, but you are not satisfied, then simply refuse such a “gift.”
The desire to live comfortably, eat expensive foods and wear expensive things is normal if you can afford it. There is no need to blame yourself for this and dress second-hand if you don’t like it.
You deserve a good life, don't blame yourself for it. Don't devalue your achievements and don't let others do the same.
This rule also works in the opposite direction. You need to understand that other people don’t have to change either, because you see the need for it and empathize with them. There is no need to turn on the “rescuer”. If a person follows this path and he likes it and is unhappy at the same time, this is his choice.
You can stop being a Patient. Force yourself to do what is unpleasant, endure. You can immediately voice your discomfort. This is important for yourself. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, accept yourself as imperfect, get rid of the illusion of your own perfection. Don't be afraid to leave relationships and break up with people who don't value you. You don't have to be in a traumatic relationship. Any relationship is a free choice of two people - you are not a prisoner or a hostage, you can leave it at any time.
Each person is an individual, and not part of your plan to save everyone around you. They have their own plans for life, their own downfalls and their own development.
Often, the strategy of following a rule comes not from love, but from the fear that they may be punished for it. “insurance” against the fact that trouble and trouble will not happen to such a good person as “me.” It's a delusion. Troubles and troubles happen to everyone. Trials and difficulties are tools of maturation that give you new strength, just like working out in the gym strengthens your muscles.
Learn to realize your value, depending on what others think about it. This is a question of low self-esteem, which can also be “pumped up” with the help of psychotherapy.
Try to focus on what you think about yourself, how much you accept and love yourself, how in harmony you are with yourself. Accept your imperfections and cockroaches (whims, laziness, narcissism, confusion, etc.). What is important is not the cover, how you want to appear to others, but the inner state.
If you need help to achieve this harmonious state within and become happier, sign up for a consultation online or in person in Kyiv. To sign up, click the "sign up" button below.
Take action and you will succeed!
Date of update: 04/18/2024 Mikhail Dickey - certified psychologist - psychotherapist - coach. Read about the author