“It would be better if you...”, “I would be in your place...”, “It won’t make any sense”, “what’s the difference”, “who needs this?”, “nothing special” and similar phrases characterize the people who surround us and comment on our actions and achievements.

Basically, this is what they want to tell you in this way: “Don’t do anything, wait until everything resolves itself.” “I don’t have a high opinion of you and your experiences,” “I had it worse, not like you.”  In this way, your acquaintances, friends and loved ones are trying to assert themselves at their own expense, acting as an expert on your life and exalting their own experience.

Devaluation is such a common reaction that even to “thank you” we automatically respond “nothing.” 

How to recognize devaluation:

1.    When someone shifts the focus of attention to themselves or their perceptions

"It seems to you" "Don't pretend, it doesn't hurt that much."

2.    When someone evaluates you beyond your desire: “This is nonsense” “It would be better if you…”

Why is devaluation harmful? When you are constantly devalued, you stop feeling important, your motivation and trust decrease. From a psychological point of view, devaluation is emotional abuse.

In order to learn not to devalue, you need to accept the reality of another person without judgment, trying to realize the importance in the life of another. That is, instead of saying “this is nonsense,” it is better to ask “why is this so important to you?” , instead of saying “don’t cry, it’s nonsense,” it’s better to ask “what upset you so much?”

You will notice how much easier it becomes for you to communicate with people when you don’t have to validate yourself at their expense!

If you have the urge to devalue the work, feelings or abilities of another person, first of all ask yourself the question: “What are my motives? Is this envy? Anger? habitual reaction?”. 

When you understand what motivates you, you will understand that devaluation does not solve your problems, but only camouflages them. Perhaps you also need recognition that you do not want to give to another.

If you want to understand your problems that prompt you to engage in unproductive behavior, I invite you to psychotherapy online or in person in Kyiv. To schedule a consultation, click on the button below.

Take action and you will succeed!